Some Post-Deployment Thoughts

It's a rambling one. Stick with me.

They say the transition home from deployment is always a challenge. They call it “reintegration.”

Like adapting to altitude sickness.

It’s not like that.

It’s been the better part of two months since I've returned from what now feels like a six-month blur.

I've been wanting to write a piece on what I learned, but my honest feeling is not so much about what I learned. If anything it's clarity on the next steps I chose before the deployment.

Clarity is the operating word. During the deployment there's so much time to just pause and think. You’re outside of your routine and have no responsibilities other than the mission. I took a lot of time to meditate on decisions I'd already made and convictions I've already had about my Air Force career. A career that I've spent too long trying to meet the expectations within a flawed system that - when attempting to fit in - often diminished my own potential.

And that's really hard to put into words, but it's the cold, hard truth.

The desire and need for approval and a desire to be successful to “have it all” really broke me down mentally and physically. It forced to confront my disillusionment.

All of this happened in the primarily in the 2-3 years leading up to the deployment, but the deployment itself was this strange reprieve from the pressures of previous assignments, and this relief having already made the decision that upon my return, I would be transitioning away from my role as an intelligence officer.

The next chapter? Teaching at Squadron Officer School.

Ultimately, the deployment was a period of reflection on the things that I don't want, and a conviction of what I want to never again let happen.

I want to speak more plainly in this newsletter, because my tendency is to try to massage/sugar coat my experience. But the simple truth is the “successful” path of the Air Force Intelligence Officer is very clearly defined and structured, and the unfortunate reality is, if pursued, that path requires you have little control over where you are assigned. It more importantly, who you're assigned to work for.

The reality is, some of “leaders” that I've had to work for and around created environments that put on a show of demanding excellence, but beneath that disguise were gross, hypocritical, bureaucratic empty suits (empty uniforms?) that cared only about themselves. Individuals who have no understanding of taking care of the people or the mission, the two things that leaders are supposed to prioritize.

This experience is what's driving my desire to influence future leaders at SOS to hopefully make a small difference that future Air Force officers challenge this norm.This is why I’m so passionate about my conviction on the impact that poor leadership has.

My focus will return to what I know my own strengths to be, because those were diminished and at times abandoned in my people pleasing pursuits in poor leadership environments.

My next chapter will prioritize a life of more autonomy, more creativity, more writing, more speaking, filmmaking - these things that I love to do and put on the back burner for years.

As writing this, I'm getting ready to literally load up the moving truck with all of Savannah and my worldly possessions to drive over to Montgomery and start what will be the final chapter of our Air Force career.

And I'm really looking forward to this assignment. I'm glad that I'm not closing the Air Force chapter based on my negative experiences. I want to end things on on my terms, being much truer to myself as a leader and as a person.

It is Memorial Day, and I can't help but think of the sacrifices for this country made by intelligence professionals, as showcased in the recent Osama bin Laden Netflix Docuseries that we just watched. (It’s really good) It's a reminder of the impact some very dedicated Americans had to removing a face of great evil from the face of the earth.

I'm proud of being a part of that tradition. My challenge is wrestling with and reconciling my own anger with some of my Air Force experiences, but to also recognize that I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

I know I’ve played my part, serving a country I still believe in.

My experiences, good and bad, made me who I am today. And more importantly, will shape who I become in the future.

Happy Memorial Day.

-Riley